Advice: Sex is more than just genitals

Getting intimate

Getting intimate (June 19, 2013)

I'm dating a trans guy, and we haven't had sex yet. Any advice on how to respectfully bone a dude who may or may not be comfortable with his original plumbing?--Nervous Newbie

The general consensus is “ask him,” and I agree that there’s something to be said of outright communication. We all have sexual ideas and desires, and we also have a mouth with which to convey those desires. Magic! There’s also something to be said of too much communication killing boners everywhere. While I’m never against talking as a general practice, since this is your first time getting down, I’d lean more toward lighter topics like “What turns you on?” rather than “How would you like me to reference your genitalia during coitus?”

While some people might be sensitive talking about their wants and bodies, if you can work sex into your conversations before hitting the sheets, then do so. That should give you a heads-up about whether to put your head down, if you catch my drift! There’s no need to whip up an Excel spreadsheet or anything, but having some ground rules is usually appreciated. And when the time comes, don’t overthink it too much. See aforementioned boner-killing.

First-time sex is usually somewhat awkward--it’s a new person! With new wants, desires, and was that an Enya poster? He’s not going to expect you to know how to push all his buttons. Just as you shouldn’t expect him to know how to push yours. In fact, he might be more nervous because he’s not sure how you’ll perceive his body. To that end, if he wants to leave some clothes on, then let him. Read his cues. If you try something and he bats your hand away, try something else. Stick to neutral descriptors if you’re unsure. I’ve heard “junk” and “package” get tossed around, as well as “click” (clit + dick), though to me that sounds more like something Gwyneth Paltrow would name her offspring. He might not have a preferred word that describes certain body parts. Stay present and have fun. Sex is fun, remember? If it’s not then you’re not playing enough David Bowie.

Like any sex partner, trans or cis, be respectful and remember: The No. 1 ultimate sex rule is that everyone’s idea of a good time is different. The other No. 1 ultimate rule is to show your partner how hot you think they are. You’re not just having sex with a “trans person,” after all. You’re having sex with a person--period.

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