Entertainment Dating
Entertainment Entertainment Dating

Advice: Can I lovingly choke you?

I’m relatively new to BDSM and I just started a sexual relationship with a nice vanilla-in-bed bisexual girl who knows I'm leaving Chicago soon. As we were talking about what we like in bed, she offered to sub for me, but I had no idea how to get things moving. I came very close to blurting out “I would like to choke you in a gentle and loving manner.” This can't be right. Where to start?--Choked Up

Ah yes, the words every girl wants to hear on a third date.

Depending on how soon you’re leaving, there’s no harm in asking her the question the way you worded it above, but considering the timing and your inexperience and her vanilla-in-bed tendencies, you’ll probably have to wait for more ideal circumstances before you get to lovingly suffocate anyone.

Choking, or “breath play,” as it’s called in kink circles, is about the thrill of deprivation. When the flow of oxygen is reduced, the sex endorphins combined with the return of oxygen gives the chokee a physiological and psychological rush. Of course, part of that rush is the danger that you might die, and it’s a very real danger, according to the internet’s foremost choking expert, Jay Wiseman, who advises against breath play unless you know CPR: “The primary danger of suffocation play is that it is not a condition that gets worse over time; what happens is that the more the play is prolonged, the greater the odds that a cardiac arrest will occur.”

Breath play seems to fall into an unusual taboo camp--articles mainly advise people not to mess around with it, at the same time as they describe its allure in great detail. The consensus I’ve gotten from several Chicago-area dominatrixes is that in order to safely practice breath play, one should avoid the neck, and anything that puts pressure on the carotid body or the windpipe. One Mistress told me, “I'll play with hands and nose pinching and masks, but I do not use nooses or garrots.” That’s good to hear because all those trips to Home Depot are starting to make people talk. There’s so few excuses one can offer when buying bungee cord.

As with any newish sexual partner, consent, trust, and communication are non-negotiable. If your partner expresses interest, you’ll want to start slow, check in frequently, and make sure that the one whose breath is being restricted has a way to, you know, ask you to stop. “Blink three times if I’m killing you,” etc.

It’s difficult to say where “lovingly choking” falls on the fun to death spectrum, but it is dangerous if you're getting into actually cutting off breath, so don’t do that. Acceptable forms of breath play, according to my lawyer, are yoga, Lamaze classes, and breathalyzer role playing.

Want to ask Anna an anonymous question about love, sex or dating? Email your quandary to redeyedating@gmail.com.  Need to give your dating life a boost? Sign up for RedEye Dating.

Want more? Discuss this article and others on RedEye's Facebook page

Copyright © 2015, RedEye
Related Content
  • Advice: Etiquette for gay wedding proposals

    Advice: Etiquette for gay wedding proposals

    I'm a gay man in a serious relationship with my boyfriend. I'm thinking of popping the question soon (fairly certain he'll say yes!), but wonder if there's etiquette for proposing when it's two men? Should I get down on a knee? Years of social norms and "The Bachelor" have left me confused. --...

  • Advice: How do I make him invest more in our relationship?

    Advice: How do I make him invest more in our relationship?

    I am wondering what I must do to make a relationship stronger. The story is that I met a person through another friend. I made my intentions known, but to no avail the first time. After a period of time, we met again, and this time he asked me to "play." I was ready the first time we met, so of...

  • Aldermen looking to stop stores from getting around plastic bag ban

    Aldermen looking to stop stores from getting around plastic bag ban

    Chicago's ban on plastic bags starts to take effect at many big stores Saturday, but an alderman who helped craft the law already is talking about changing it in order to thwart a few large retail chains that he says are trying to skirt the new rules.

  • State police: Man shot while riding in van on Eisenhower

    State police: Man shot while riding in van on Eisenhower

    A man was shot multiple times while traveling in a minivan on the inbound Eisenhower Expressway on Friday morning, authorities said.

  • Lollapalooza liquor gardening: fact or fiction?

    Lollapalooza liquor gardening: fact or fiction?

    It may sound like an urban legend: Music festival-goers bury bottles of booze in Chicago parks, plot a GPS location for the goods and uncover them days later when the festival comes alive.

  • Chicago plans to cut O'Hare noise by rotating runways at night

    Chicago plans to cut O'Hare noise by rotating runways at night

    The Emanuel administration on Friday will propose an experiment at O'Hare International Airport to rotate the runways used late at night, possibly on a weekly basis, to spread out jet noise, the city's aviation chief told the Chicago Tribune.

  • Almost 6 acres of land added near Fullerton Avenue Beach

    Almost 6 acres of land added near Fullerton Avenue Beach

    Along Chicago's lakefront at Fullerton Avenue Beach, cranes rolled along a causeway that only a few months ago was part of the lake itself. Every day this summer, roughly 40 construction workers are filling in Lake Michigan with dredged material and gravel, which will eventually add up to 5.8 acres...

  • Doughnut panic

    Doughnut panic

    I'm not ashamed to admit that for the past several years, I have mapped my walk to work around which doughnut shop I'd like an excuse to stop at on the way. There's nothing like the thought of a crunchy, craggy old fashioned doughnut or the sweet, yeasty chew of a classic glazed doughnut to help...

Comments
Loading
74°