Bulls should root for Hawks to beat Dwight Homicide, er, Howard

I don’t need the Orlando-Atlanta series to go seven games so the winner supposedly will be too tired to challenge the Bulls. No, I just need Atlanta to win so Dwight Howard doesn’t show up and play ever dirtier on Derrick Rose than Indiana goof Jeff Foster did.

Scout the Bulls’ potential second-round opponents any way you want, but the top priority is keeping Rose healthy, as we’ve seen and had heart attacks over. That’s why you want Atlanta to win tonight or Saturday.

Listen, Howard’s the dirtiest quality player in the league, following John Stockton in that unique category that I just made up. Howard regularly pounds Rose with no regard for the ball. He just wants to pulverize Rose, and he does. Rose drives to the hoop and Howard makes like Dick Butkus. Ka-boom, Neil Funk. That’s the real ka-boom, or the new ka-boom now that Stacey King douses every three-pointer with hot sauce.

(Tangent: The Bulls sell everything these days, so I can’t believe they haven’t cut a deal where King says, “Gimme the Cholula.’’)

Anyway, Howard just wants to ragdoll Rose the way the Pacers’ thugs did. Difference is, Howard sells it better. He also gets away with more because he’s a three-time Dirty Player of the Year, er, Defensive Player of the Year.

Look, both Orlando and Atlanta present problems for the Bulls. Orlando has the best player in that series, but the Bulls seemed happy to let Howard get his 40 while shutting down the Magic’s deadly three-point arsenal.

Atlanta, meanwhile, is a more talented version of the Pacers --- a long team, a dangerous big man and a fierce perimeter defender. The Hawks’ length has always bothered the Bulls the way the Pacers’ length did in the first round. Long-armed defenders get in passing lanes and poke at the dribble to create turnovers. It took the Bulls three games -- three wasted first halves -- to figure it out. Tell me the Bulls will be smarter in the next round, no matter the opponent.

But the opponent had better be the Hawks, let me tell you. Al Horford will score, sure, but he doesn’t bring the criminal element of Howard, who, I believe, was just voted Most Likely to Permanently Maim Someone.

Copyright © 2015, RedEye
Related Content
  • Donald Trump says cops should be tougher on Chicago crime

    Donald Trump says cops should be tougher on Chicago crime

    Businessman Donald Trump brought his nascent bid for the Republican presidential nomination to town Monday, warning that crime in Chicago is "out of control" and hurting the city's image worldwide.

  • South Carolina church shooting shines spotlight on media treatment of white, black suspects

    South Carolina church shooting shines spotlight on media treatment of white, black suspects

    I have been to the Grammy Awards. I have had features written about my music in Billboard, XXL, Jet and other magazines I've always loved. Oprah Winfrey told me to my face that she loves my dreads and purple eyebrows. My music is played on TV shows and movies, and I write about my opinionated views...

  • 'Magic Mike XXL' is the summer's best sequel so far

    'Magic Mike XXL' is the summer's best sequel so far

    2012’s “Magic Mike” and its sequel, “Magic Mike XXL,” could have been so stupid, and I’m sure those who haven’t seen either one assume that they are. I mean, think of how cheesy a movie about male strippers could be. Based on the commercials, they barely seem like movies at all—just two-hour thrust-athons...

  • Vince Staples' sprawling double album 'Summertime '06' is relentlessly gritty

    Vince Staples' sprawling double album 'Summertime '06' is relentlessly gritty

    Vince Staples deals in pessimism, for good reason. The Long Beach rapper has seen a lot of violence and despair in his 21 years. He'll tell you about it too, in unflinching clarity that few artists his age possess. There’s little if any hope in his music. Yet even with the darkness oozing out of...

  • RedEye's favorite songs of 2015 (so far)

    RedEye's favorite songs of 2015 (so far)

    As we reach 2015's midpoint, it's clear that the year in music has been incredible, with a little bit of everything, from classic soul, rap, emo, '70s funk, grunge and scorching Southern rock to searing punk, bubblegum pop and jazz fusion. In particular, Kendrick Lamar's rap-funk masterpiece "To...

  • RedEye's 25 favorite albums of 2015 (so far)

    RedEye's 25 favorite albums of 2015 (so far)

    As we reach 2015's midpoint, it's clear that the year in music has been incredible, with a little bit of everything from classic soul, rap, emo, '70s funk, grunge and scorching Southern rock to searing punk, bubblegum pop and jazz fusion. In particular, Kendrick Lamar's rap-funk masterpiece "To...

Comments
Loading