Thank you, Adam Jones, for helping me get in touch with my inner meatball.
In case you missed it, a couple of idiots ran onto the the field during a Yankees-Orioles game this week before security subdued them in short center field, not from from Jones. The prime view prompted an epic postgame rant from the Orioles outfielder who had other thoughts on handling that type of moronic behavior.
“I think it’s idiotic for people to run on the field, and I think the punishment needs to be a lot harsher,’’ Jones said, “and they should let us have a shot to kick them with our metal spikes on because it’s stupid. You look like an (expletive) when you run on the field.
“We don’t go to other sporting events and do that to their jobs, but they come to ours and do that. I get it, you’re drunk and you want to be on 'SportsCenter.' Your (butt) is going to jail with a fine, and you might not be allowed to come back to the ballpark.
“I remember a couple of years ago, one dude broke his ankle in Baltimore. I was laughing at him. I wish he shattered his femur because it’s stupid. It’s just plain, old stupid. Anybody who does it, I wish the cops tase the (expletive) out of them. I wish that.’’
Jones had more to say in an interview on Fox Sports Radio the next day.
“Let’s not be idiots,’’ Jones said. “Stay the hell off the field, or pay the price . . . increase the fines. Because I’ve heard, you know, some people ban them for a year. They might get fined, you know, $1,000 for trespassing. OK, $1,000 is a lot of money. OK, that’s fine. Let’s start increasing that to $10,000, $20,000. I guarantee you, if you start messing with people’s money, people start to listen to you.’’
Yes, people start to listen when it comes to money, but you had me at kicking them.
This is about me and my enjoyment, and I’d like to get back to Jones’ original thought because, well, I’m sure I’d enjoy watching someone else’s physical misery.
If the cops want to Taser the idiot, fine. I’m good with that. But I really like the idea of players getting a shot at the dope or, in this case, dopes.
How many times have you thought that idiots who run onto the field deserve to get their butts kicked?
Every time, right? Yeah, me, too.
So, do it. Literally.
When a fan runs onto the field and is subdued, the security officers bring him to home plate. One guard locks on to each arm, while another guard faces the yutz while holding his shoulders.
Meanwhile a wheel of misfortune appears on the video board with nine numbers, one for each defensive position.
(Yes, the Cubs would have to get their video screen built pretty quick, or Crane Kenny can hire a priest to pull a number out of a blue and white mitre.)
The wheel spins, and the player whose defensive position comes up is the one who gets to deliver a full-on kick to the perpetrator’s backside.
Spikes, meet butt. Hard.
Laughter and applause to follow.
Say the wheel comes up 3. OK, Jose Abreu, come on down. Rev up that powerful bottom half and drive your cleats into the backside of somebody who probably deserves a broken nose.
You could make it an event. This idea is begging to become an event. A financial event. Baseball is always looking for new revenue streams, and this seems like marketing gold.
Look, if you can find a company to sponsor those cards for the hidden baseball game or fried dough race they gin up on the video board, then teams certainly can find a company who would recognize the publicity for something a lot more fun because it’s live entertainment that involves others’ pain.
McDonald’s advertises everywhere because McDonald’s is everywhere, so here’s a great spot to extend the slogan “I’m lovin’ it.’’ Doesn’t that capture the spirit fo the thing?
Adidas has a deodorant campaign with the slogan: “Get Ready.’’ Tell me that’s not perfect for this idea.
Even better, Diesel’s campaign that starts with “Be Stupid.’’ He got all of that one, ladies and gentlemen.
I’m aware of the idea of a civilized society dealing with miscreants in a civilized way. Tough noogies. This is about money and demographics, and this would help baseball appeal to the younger audience it seems to be losing. All the popular kids engage in torture and mutilation, judging by all the tattoos and piercings. I mean, I’ve seem some kids with gauges in their lobes that could house Adam Eaton.
Capitalize on that, baseball. Get in touch with your inner meatball for fun and profit. And face it, going to a game and hoping someone runs onto the field has to be better than watching Edwin Jackson pitch.