I got pretty depressed last week when a big storm in the Atlantic was upgraded to Hurricane Bob.
You may have noticed that every TV weatherman and newscaster had a little smirk on his face every time he mentioned Hurricane Bob. The broadcasters couldn`t help it; there was something funny about Hurricane Bob.
And I don`t blame the newscasters. Bob is a dumb name. It`s a clunky name. Bob is the plain, boring, sensible shoe of names. Bob sounds like a cork dipping up and down in the ocean.
I have never been able to escape this, of course, and Hurricane Bob only served to remind me of it. On our computer system at work, when I log on every morning the screen flashes a message at me: ”Welcome to the Editorial System, Bob.” I always feel that the screen is laughing.
Bob. Bob. Bob. Down through history, men of valor and achievement have seldom been named Bob. The great figures in literature are not named Bob. Think about it. There`s Bob Cratchit in Dickens` ”A Christmas Carol”–and let`s face it, Cratchit was not exactly a dashing, dream-inspiring vagabond. After Cratchit the list of literary Bobs grows pretty short.
There has never been a President of the United States named Bob. Thomas, yes. John, yes. James, yes. Martin and Zachary and Millard and Warren and Ulysses and Rutherford and Chester and Grover and Woodrow–yes. But never a President Bob. In all of our 200-plus years as a nation, the people of America have never taken it upon themselves to make a Bob their president.
I`m not much of a student of English history, but if there ever was a King Bob, I`m not aware of it. And it`s no wonder; the name is not the stuff of legends, which is why we have never heard about the exploits of Bob the Lionhearted.
The main anchormen for the three big commercial television networks`
evening news programs have never been named Bob, either. Walter and Dan and Tom and John and Peter and Chet and David–over the years all of them have read the evening news. Not Bob, though. In television terms, Bob is just the guy who flies up from Washington to substitute on the weekend newscasts.
The most dashing movie stars have not been Bobs, either. Cary, Kirk, Errol–of course. Think about a Bob in the movies, and you come up with Bob Cummings. Those talented actors who have been born with the name Robert have taken the wise course and not shortened it–Robert Mitchum is one example. But if a movie star wants to be memorable, he is best advised to stay away from Bob. James Dean would have caused nary a ripple if he would have called himself Bob Dean. In the world of popular culture, who ever would have screamed for Bob Presley? When you think of Crosbys, Bing is the one who immediately comes to mind. There was a Bob Crosby, but he sort of fades into your brain. That`s how it is with Bobs.
One way out for Bobs is to go with Bobby. A lot of teen-idol rock-and-roll stars did that in the early years, with remarkable success. Bobby Vee sold millions of records; Bob Vee sounds like a small-time embezzler. Bobby is also a good name for athletes; a Bobby is a scrambling quarterback or an elusive running back. Bob? The team trainer.
But grown men, if they aren`t singers or athletes, have trouble going around calling themselves Bobby. There is probably a book in all this; it could be called ”The Bob Dilemma.” But potential readers would take one look at the title and decide not to buy it. Too boring.
Our history would be so much duller had the great men of fiction and real-life accomplishment been named Bob. F. Scott Fitzgerald`s ”The Great Gatsby” is often called the finest novel of all time; had Fitzgerald decided to make Jay Gatsby into Bob Gatsby, no one would have paid any attention. The memory of Franklin Delano Roosevelt still brings tears to many people`s eyes; do you think Bob Roosevelt would have attracted a dozen votes? Joe DiMaggio was perhaps the greatest sports figure of his time; how many fans do you think would have lined up to see Joltin` Bob DiMaggio?
Here`s a typical twist: Hurricane Bob, which got me started thinking about all of this, was downgraded after one day to a tropical depression. That figures.
By the way, this is only the beginning of my problems.
My middle name is Bernard.
